Author: Lana Smithee

Paizo Review, Abandoned

Posted on by Lana Smithee

Hey readers, just an update on the new Paizo RPG review. It’s not happening anymore.

This name has been attached to some pretty peachy games in the past, but I just can’t get into this one. It’s just too inscrutable. Paizo’s introduction to the new rules gets completely off topic and doesn’t bother explaining the basic rules governing play. It’s like they’re just playing a game of their own and ignoring the video manual.

Like, it’s great that you’re enjoying the thing and the whole “your digital character interprets your thoughts according to their stats” bit is neat, but how about some teaching? How do you sync your neural aug with the game (I paid good money for this thing)? How did you build your Jill character? Why? Do whatever skills you’re using in the service role have some kind of function in combat? I have no idea how this fits together into a fun tabletop experience, and I’m done trying to find out.

By the way, building a great big neat setting and never leaving a stupid bar is a pretty lame way to play, guys.

Why Is The World Going Crazy Over A Neighbourhood Dive?

Posted on by Lana Smithee

Bar Front

Glitch City is baffled. A intercity bar called VA-11 HALL-A has recently become the center of global attention. Virtually indistinguishable from the other properties operated by the parent megacorporation, the rundown dive possesses no redeeming qualities, no unique drinks, and an abundance of poorly mannered clientele. (According to rumor, the local corgis have done terrible things to the bathroom facilities.)

Nonetheless, prestigious outlets from across the globe have written numerous articles about the bar, leaving officials flummoxed. “We don’t know what’s happening,” said a source on the municipal board. “But we think this is a good thing.”

Officials believe that this unprecedented level of attention will result in an onslaught of tourists, and are planning to address this influx of visitors accordingly.

“We need to build more fast food places,” said another anonymous contact in the local government. “How else will people be able to integrate nanomachines quickly? There’s the risk that their immune system will reject our airborne units.”

“I hope they bring foreign money,” said a random person on the street. “Also, what’s all this mention of cyberpunk bartending? It’s just a broad in a dank bar. And what do they mean play? Unlicensed people can’t serve alcohol!!”

Pundits believe that the first wave of tourists will appear June 21st. For the purpose of posterity, we have included a round-up of foreign write-ups on our beloved city.

VA-11 HALL-A serves up cyberpunk bartending on June 21st. (PCGamesN)
Get ready to play as a cyberpunk bartender later this month. (Kill Screen.)
Cyberpunk Bartender Simulator VA-11 HALL-A to be Released On June 21st. (Hardcoregamer)
VA-11 HALL-A for PC launches June 21st. (Gematsu)
Cyberpunk Bartending Sim VA-11 HALL-A Releasing June 21st (Siliconera.)

Eye on the Family Review: TieTuesday playing VA-11 HALL-A

Posted on by Lana Smithee

This game and this videographer are encouraging moral turpitude. If the basic premise of having interactions in a dingy tavern weren’t enough, it outright suggests that the player imbibe alcohol along with it from the very start. And our host approves.

As you can imagine, what follows is a stream of iniquity. The host allows the software to express its lack of respectability with commentary when it’s worthwhile or conveys his reactions and thoughts, giving a quality impression of both. It’s just a shame they’re complicit in the depravity and… I shudder to say it… in cahoots with “anime”. I need not say more!

I would not recommend either the computer game or the entertainment channel for families. Adults should proceed only so that they know what they’re protecting their children from.

Honestly, a game about bartending. What kind of schlock will they think of next?

Shining Fingered hacked, Personal Information Compromised

Posted on by Lana Smithee

It happened days ago, but things just got a bit ugly.

Shining Fingered, a porn site we already talked about, was a victim of a security breach. No personal information has been released other than names, but the attacker promises “extra goodies on the 6th… (12:00 am GMT -4)”

“They’re planning to reveal something big” an anonymous programmer at Shining Fingered told The Augmented Eye. “Judging by their past announcements, I don’t think sensible information will be released. As far as I know they don’t have enough access to do so thanks to our SAFENET system, but we’ll have to keep an eye on it and wait for the best.”

What will be revealed on the 6th? will it be a silly thing like a badly drawn penis? or maybe something huge?

“I think they’re using us as a platform to announce something unrelated to Shining Fingered” another anonymous programmer chimed in.  “but my guess is as good as yours.”

We’ll have to press F5 at Shining Fingered in a few hours, I guess!

Source: Shining Fingered

“I Can’t Believe I Found my Romantic Partner in a Dungeon and it turned out to be a Monster!” announced, out in March 2073

Posted on by Lana Smithee

girlfriend

Sukeban Games announced today a new title for mobile devices called “I Can’t Believe I Found My Romantic Partner in a Dungeon and it turned out to be a Monster!”, adding yet another game to the current Monster People craze.

The game, which consists in developing relationships with half-monster people, will sport both a light RPG battle system, and a dating sim aspect called Monster Boyfriend and Monster Girlfriend, where you will be able to physically interact with the characters through serial bio ports.

However, the developers are worried about the possible reception of the game once it’s out.

“We know there’s a huge controversy surrounding headpats” their PR representative told The Augmented Eye. “We might face legal action since headpats in video games are strictly forbbiden and punished by law, but free speech will prevail, I’m sure of it.”

boyfriend

When asked about the possibility of releasing their long-awaited game “Devil’s Journal” this year, Sukeban’s visibly upset PR representative only responded with incoherent yelling, followed by a constant mention of the number six.

“THE SIX MUST COME BEFORE IT” she would tell us before passing out.

I Can’t Believe I Found my Romantic Partner in a Dungeon and it turned out to be a Monster! is releasing in March 2073, includes two characters to play with at launch with additional creatures for free in post-release updates.

screenshot

Characters available at launch.

 

Top 5: Alice_Rabbit’s most famous cyber attacks

Posted on by Lana Smithee

Alice_Rabbit is the most wanted person of the century.

The novelty of virtual public figures might have run its course a long while ago, but this is an era where everything is networked. There’s absolutely no aspect of our lives that doesn’t depend on the Collective Source, and as such, those who are able to play with its boundaries are the most powerful group in today’s society. Those who can break all security protocols are guaranteed to control everything.

Enter the world of the cyber mercenaries.

They are the most lethal hired guns in human history; capable of overthrowing entire governments on a whim, and for a price… but Alice_Rabbit is, by far, the most powerful entity in this not so underground world.

We know very little of them: There’s no confirmed gender, or age, we don’t even know if it’s human at all. For all we know it may be a self-aware piece of software, or a very gifted enhanced animal… but how did Alice_Rabbit earn their title? what did they do to become the most wanted person today?

Let’s find out after the jump.

Continue reading “Top 5: Alice_Rabbit’s most famous cyber attacks” →

Shining Fingered is the New Rage

Posted on by Lana Smithee

Ever wanted to be with your favourite character from Model Warrior Julianne? Say no more: Shining Fingered is here for you!

We’ve been enjoying a lot of VR porn ever since the technology was made available to everyone half a century ago, but never to this scale. In the past we had to rely on a diverse range of devices to stimulate our senses, but with Shining Fingered, all you need is a standard VR Headset or a bio port.

The website explains it better:

“Thanks to our advanced technology, we can stimulate your brain in the exact same ways as the real thing, without any additional peripherals and, best of all, with any character and scenario you can think of.”

And that’s not the best part of the deal.

“That’s right, we have the biggest selection of virtual characters to have fun with. Pick the one(s) that tickle your fancy and have at it! we cover a wide range of body types so you don’t feel left out. Want to fuck a Sasquatch during the Normandy disembark? we have it!”

OK WHERE DO I SIGN UP!?

Source: shining fingered

Young’s Bomb Burger Review

Posted on by Lana Smithee

Editor’s note: It has come to our attention that Lana Smithee’s new EX432 Gustatory Perception System had yet to undergo its post-incorporation calibration and certain specific notes of taste may have been unavailable to Smithee at the time of this review. We apologize for any misrepresentation this may have caused, but verdicts are final.

It’s not often I opt for heat in my trade. I find that most confuse spice for taste and give nothing for my higher palette to dwell on. So it is with no dearth of skepticism that I approached the “Bomb Burger” at Young’s Cafe, something my esteemed readers have been recommending for some time. “A burger whose chilis work only to frame its savory meat and tangy  house sauce amid a background of tingly loveliness”, should you stand the temperature.

It’s tasteless. It’s really, really, disinterestingly bland. It’s hot too, yes, wealthily so, and looks superbly appetizing as it arrives, but there’s nothing behind the pretty facade. Its ground cardboard patty is slathered in beautiful pinkish-orange spread the consistency of guacamole, the shredded greens a nice textural contrast to the stewed chili mixture and lightly browned bun. But its as though each ingredient were uniformly boiled and dried prior to serving, any sense of sapidity bled out into some delicious broth they promptly flushed and forgot.

And the staff seemed so proud. They smiled as my order was taken and looked perfectly delighted to pretend they were working at a greater establishment. Would not recommend. To anyone.

Valhalla is at the Neon District

Posted on by Lana Smithee

people

Welcome back to “People of Glitch City”, where we ask random questions to people from across our beloved city in order to show just how diverse our population can be.

Today, we visited a bar in the Neon District called VA-11 Hall-A, or “Valhalla” for short. It’s served by its manager and two bartender. All of which we’ll get to know today.

Continue reading “Valhalla is at the Neon District” →