Editor’s note: It has come to our attention that Lana Smithee’s new EX432 Gustatory Perception System had yet to undergo its post-incorporation calibration and certain specific notes of taste may have been unavailable to Smithee at the time of this review. We apologize for any misrepresentation this may have caused, but verdicts are final.

It’s not often I opt for heat in my trade. I find that most confuse spice for taste and give nothing for my higher palette to dwell on. So it is with no dearth of skepticism that I approached the “Bomb Burger” at Young’s Cafe, something my esteemed readers have been recommending for some time. “A burger whose chilis work only to frame its savory meat and tangy  house sauce amid a background of tingly loveliness”, should you stand the temperature.

It’s tasteless. It’s really, really, disinterestingly bland. It’s hot too, yes, wealthily so, and looks superbly appetizing as it arrives, but there’s nothing behind the pretty facade. Its ground cardboard patty is slathered in beautiful pinkish-orange spread the consistency of guacamole, the shredded greens a nice textural contrast to the stewed chili mixture and lightly browned bun. But its as though each ingredient were uniformly boiled and dried prior to serving, any sense of sapidity bled out into some delicious broth they promptly flushed and forgot.

And the staff seemed so proud. They smiled as my order was taken and looked perfectly delighted to pretend they were working at a greater establishment. Would not recommend. To anyone.